I know I’m in no position to complain about anything. I’m in a beautiful place. Paradise-like, even. I’m as close as I can possibly get to the people I love most in this world. The weather was absolutely beautiful, albeit it was windy and chilly today. The campsite was comfortable. Everything was good, right?
Yet, here I am – complaining.
I’ve been edgy all day. Annoyed as fuck. I just didn’t really want to be here.
There’s literally nothing to do here. Out of all places, we chose the most boring place to spend a rest day. For most people this would probably be a good decision. For me? Meh. I don’t need rest. Rest makes my mind go dark.
I cannot help it. My mind has morphed into something that when not at work, needs something active to do where I can also have the kids tag along, or complete loneliness without disturbance so I can focus on something else entirely, such as reading, drawing, or writing. This place was none of these. The whole day my brain has been nagging me. Reading something substantial (or anything else, really) with the kids around doesn’t work (for me). I cannot enjoy drawing or writing with interruptions either (thanks perfectionism). I tried some fishing instead to kill time, but without any luck. My mind got carried away. Thoughts wandering off into places I didn’t want to go. I got so annoyed with myself, and everything around me. I think this is what academia made me become. A junkie for information, and high pace – stress, even? I’m not sure if I’m happy about this development. I used to be able to enjoy the simple things in life as well. Those days are over. I hope I can get them back.
It annoys me that I cannot simply be bored anymore – and enjoy it – for just one day.
Tomorrow, we’re on the road again. Off to places with things to do.
Robin Heinen 