After one and a half week away from home and sleeping in Airbnb’s and hotels, I finally arrived back home. I love traveling, I love seeing new places, but I also love sleeping in my own bed. Perhaps that’s why I love my campervan so much. At least I bring my own bed with me wherever I go all the time.
Sitting at home this afternoon with two completely exhausted kids that were continually alternating in a screaming contest, made me realize how tired I am myself. The past months, I have probably averaged five hours of sleep per night. Some nights are reasonable, with seven hours and only one interruption, but most are worse, with several interruptions. The absolute worst are those nights where I can’t get to sleep again after being woken up by our baby daughter. No, maybe the worst are the nights where my son refuses to sleep longer than until 4am. I miss good sleep. I regularly sleep only three hours, and trust me, I function best on a solid nine.
The sleep deprivation is slowly becoming part of my life. I still function reasonably well most of the time. If I focus all my energy on the most important things that require it most, usually being the kids and the job, most will not notice a difference. After the kids are asleep though, I’m a wreck. I have no energy to do anything. I sit on the couch, waiting for time to pass. My wife told me yesterday that she feels I’m often living in my head… I thought about this. I don’t think I do. To be honest, I feel that I’m just zoned out and braindead half the time. But it’s true in the sense that I’m not present in the moment with her very often. I wish I could muster the energy to be present, to have proper conversations. I think we both could use some energy.
I’m glad that we’ll have the next month to spend time together as a family, and that the energy I do have doesn’t have to go to work. On Friday we’ll make our way to Croatia, and perhaps a bit further south. Who knows? We’ll go where the roads lead us.