A long way to go…

I don’t understand how some people live. Take, for instance, my boss. I don’t understand how he sleeps at night. And I mean this in the most literal and positive possible way. It’s not that he does anything particularly horrible that should haunt him at night, and keep him awake. It’s more that he’s always busy. His mind (I think) is always on. He’s in meetings literally 100% of the time. Always running. Working on a million things at the same time. I asked him about it last week, at one of these rare moments I actually catch him ‘not working’ when he was quickly shoveling away his lunch (even that looked like work). Over the course of maybe three or five minutes he received several phone calls. There’s never a break. Every time I see him, it’s like this. Meetings. Phone calls. Running. Life must be one huge blur… I asked him: How do you live? Do you even get sleep at night? Always running around – can you turn it off when you get home? He, somewhat surprised by my question, said that he had no particular difficulties sleeping or flipping the switch. I told him that I probably have a long way to go then…

I don’t know why the fuck I’m always struggling. I don’t even get half the meetings he does, and lack most of the other responsibilities that come with being chairgroup holder, but the moment I have more than two meetings a day – especially longer ones – my mind just starts racing without ever seeming to stop. When I get home, my mind is full. Occupied. At night, I start dreaming about work, that is, if I even get some sleep. At this point, the dreams feel more like nightmares. I don’t want to think of work all the time, especially not at night. When my kids wake me up at night (which is every night, two to three times), I struggle falling asleep again. The lack of sleep at night, the work load, and some aspects of our current living circumstances (let’s say that our downstairs neighbor is doing everything within her power to make it abundantly clear that we are not wanted in this house) are seriously taking their toll on my mood and mental health these days. I’m overwhelmed, high-anxiety, and I feel like I’m turning into a grumpy old fart. I especially notice that I struggle to enjoy things (always one of my early warning signs for depressive episodes). It’s time to make some much-needed changes in life, but I’m not even sure where to begin, but a good therapy session this week may be a good place to start.

Published by Robin Heinen

Father of two | Husband | Entomologist and Ecologist | Postdoctoral Researcher @ TUM | Traveler | Coffee Addict

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